Only Good Cooks Can Make Eggs

I know, right? The title of this post sounds sarcastic, but I'm completely serious. I think back to when I first started cooking, and I used to make eggs all the time. I thought I could make a pretty good omelette, and I even enjoyed making them for people to show off my new found talent. Wow. I really wish I could take back those first displays of my culinary prowess. Now I can really cook eggs, and I am ashamed that I thought I knew how to before.

If you think that scrambled eggs are scrambled eggs, and if you think the stuffings make a good omelette, then you are clearly naive, like I once was. Scrambled eggs done properly make you feel like you're eating a delicacy prepared carefully for a king, and a legit French omelette makes you never want to defile such a thing with stuffings of any kind, except maybe some parsley, chives, and chervil. Here are some of my personal notes on scrambled eggs, omelettes, and hard-boiled eggs, picked up from much better cooks than me.

Scrambled Eggs - You can't let scrambled eggs cook without touching them for even a second. Scrambled eggs are like risotto - they need constant stirring and painful attention to the amount of heat that's hitting them. Tip: when you think you've cooked the eggs enough, you're probably 30 seconds or 1 minute too late. The residual heat from the pan will continue cooking the eggs after they're off the heat, so prepare for that. And yes, you should get used to eating your eggs with a velvety finish... not watery, that's gross, velvety. To prevent watery eggs, don't add salt until the end... the salt tends to catalyze the breaking down of the egg enzymes. For extra velvet finish, add a dollop of creme fraiche at the end, or a huge nob of butter at the very beginning... or both.

Omelette - Like scrambled eggs, omelettes need constant attention. To be clear, omelette's are not frittatas, which can be left alone. Take this hint: start your omelette with a big hunk of butter in the pan fully melted... it prevents the egg from sticking and really makes the thing taste better... and you're eating eggs so it's healthy. By adding the butter and leaving out the unnecessary stuffings, you'll most likely be making something better for your health even with the added lard. To make sure the omelette evenly cooks without over cooking, shake the hell out of the pan so that every square centimeter of uncooked egg directly hits the surface of the pan for no more than 5-10 seconds. That's the key to a smooth omelette. Once every part of uncooked egg gets the 10 second heat rush, start maneuvering the omelette to its final shape. Best. Omelette. Ever.

Hard-Boiled Eggs - Simple 5-step process

1. Prick a tiny hole (like the smallest pin you can find) in the fat end of the egg (there is an air pocket there).

2. Drop the eggs in just under boiling water (a kind of low-roll/simmer-ishness)

3. Leave them for 10 minutes.

4. Transfer them to an ice bath... and let them chill in the ice bath (literally) for a while... don't be over eager.

5. Peel them and use them... the yolk should be darker in the very center and lighter as you move outwards... no sulfur or green should be seen in these eggs.

If you don't think about eggs this much, then now you know why you aren't writing a food blog... and now you know why you'll be asking me to cook for you soon.